Affair and Betrayal Recovery

Affairs can be devastating to a marriage, but they don’t have to mean the end.

Here are some statistics about affairs:

·        Men are more likely than women to report having engaged in an extramarital affair. 20% of married men and 10% of women reported cheating on their spouse in the past. (YouGov – the iFidelity survey)

·        Affair statistics indicate that in the past 20 years infidelity among women has increased by 40%. (HerNorm)

·        Couples who described their relationship as “very stable” and who reported being “very satisfied” in their relationship were associated with lower levels of extra marital affairs (IFStudies)

·        According to one study, 30% of people report “excitement” as their reason for cheating (NBC)

·        Of the adults who cheated on their spouse, 40% became divorced (IFStudies)

·        Women are more likely to recognize and care about emotional infidelity, while only 50% of male participants said the same. (YouGov’s poll of 1000 people)

·        65% of affairs are likely to end in the first six months. 25% of all affairs end within a week. (HerNorm)

·        1 in 10 affairs start online

·        “Sexual dissatisfaction” and “longing for a deeper emotional connection” are often cited as reasons for having an affair. According to two websites marketed toward cheating spouses, people most often cite “craving affection” as the top reason for seeking an affair.  (AshleyMadison, VictoriaMilan)

·        Only 10% of people who enter an affair will end up marrying their affair partner. Of those 10% only 25% will stay married to the affair partner

According to the research of Dr. John Gottman, “Trust Revival” is the most important task of a couple hoping to rebuild their marriage in the wake of an affair. The Trust Revival method consists of 3 phases:

Atone

A key element of Atonement is Confession. According to Gottman research, when the betrayer agreed to answer questions, the couple stayed together 86% of the time. If the betrayer refused to answer questions, the relationship’s survival rate was only 59%.

Attune

Attunement includes the rebuilding of the friendship part of the relationship and learning to handle conflict better

Attach

Attachment (or rather, re-attachment) involves the mending of the couple’s sexual relationship. At this point in the couple’s work, it becomes imperative to talk about sex and intimacy. Couples with great sex lives have regular and detailed conversations about sex.

A mutually satisfying sex life is key to a fulfilling long-term partnered relationship. According to “What Makes Love Last, How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal” by Gottman and Silver, 2012:

“In long term love, sexual intimacy is founded on a healthy interdependence that satisfies the longing for connection. This bond serves as a stalwart barrier against ‘distractions’.”

Rebuilding trust after an affair can seem like a dauting task. You don’t have to go it alone. Seek the help of a relationship counselor with training in affair recovery. I guide my couples through the 3 step Trust Revival method and help them to get healing, friendship, and passion back into their relationship. Please call me today to set up an appointment.